Normalisation, Domestic Violence

Although I write about fitness there is a wealth of research that shows it is the total environment that contributes to a person’s wellbeing. So it will be difficult to be fit if you live in an environment where healthy food is not seen as important and diets are poor. It is difficult to have mental health issues and be fit or eat healthily. It is difficult to navigate times of stress or grief without social support. If a person is trapped in an unhealthy relationship then all other aspects of their lives can be compromised. There is a well researched area of psychology called social psychology, how individuals behave in a social context, and I will apply this to domestic violence rather than health and fitness as I have done in other articles.

So how do we come to live in environments that are not healthy? There are several mechanisms for this and today we will talk about normalisation. Normalisation, when used by psychologists, refers to the process where certain ideas or actions are seen as being normal. We can see this on a global scale or at the personal level. So when random breath testing for alcohol was introduced in N.S.W. overnight drink driving was no longer seen as normal. The introduction of R.B.T. was a big global event. Normalisation can also be seen on an individual level. If you go out for dinner with people who do not drink this will impede your level of alcohol consumption. If you continue to associate with people who do not drink alcohol, over time your level of alcohol consumption will decrease. So normalisation can also occur with very small events that happen time and time again. There are thousands of people who get married or form romantic partnerships every year, and when you form a close bond with another person it is likely your behaviour will change. Say one partner might be very neat and the other a bit of a slob, so one or both partner’s behaviour will change and become more accommodative. Being a little bit neater might become normal behaviour, if not the partners would not be able to live together.

So let’s turn our attention to domestic violence. Say you went out on a date with someone, say to dinner, and half way through the meal your date threw a glass of wine at you. It would be very unlikely that you would ever go out on a date with that person every again. No, there is a set mechanism in domestic violence of gradually exposing the partner to increasing levels of violence. So initially when an issue arises both partners will discuss the issue and concessions will be made. Surprisingly, it is partner who becomes violent who is usually the most accommodating. Healthy discussion eventually gives way to heated discussion and eventually to yelling at each other. Now at some point in time both partners will end up yelling at each other. Yelling has become normalised. The process continues to the next stage; whereas the violent partner might have been able to get their way by yelling, yelling no longer works. So the next stage is physical violence, maybe not throwing a glass of wine, or punching the other person, it might be standing over the other person in an aggressive way, but physical violence none the less. This is the danger point; if this violent or even overly aggressive behaviour is normalised the cycle will just keep progressing. The end point can be very violent behaviour where one partner is at great risk. I am not saying yelling at each other is acceptable, but physical intimidation is a red flag. I have not included emotional abuse for simplicity in this article and I will cover it in later writings, because this is much more complicated.

Sure there will be other factors involved in domestic violence, such as financial entrapment or isolation  and the explanation above is a little simplistic. But the above it is valid explanation.

So all this starts with the potential partner giving the appearance of not being violent. If fact these people can often be very charming. The police have a brochure called “Charming But Dangerous”. This raises the question ‘if these people can be charming, why do they choose not be charming’? The answer to this question is relevant to both parties. Firstly, the partner who is potentially violent is hiding their true self. As much as they would like to yell and lash out they are able to control their emotions, but this control cannot last; they are a boiling kettle struggling to keep the steam in. Alternatively, the potentially violent partner has difficulty operating in social situations. In situations involving little stress these people can operate but they will crumble under stress. Although a new romantic partnership can be a great thing it can be very stressful.  In other blogs I will discuss this in more detail.

You might say that this is all pretty obvious. However herein lies the danger, people get sucked in because the process is so subtle. It is like people drowning in shallow water at the beach, they cannot perceive they are in danger. Very few people begin a relationship with someone they think might be violent and we all think we are able to spot people who might be violent. However, when someone starts off as being very charming and we want to retain this opinion. This also applies to people outside the relationship such as family and friends. People get confused when this charming person begins to act badly and we are likely to excuse this bad behaviour rather than change our opinion. Before people realise what has happened the normalisation process has sucked them in.

So the theme of this article is that domestic violence is a process. People are drawn into unhealthy relationships. People are introduced to increasing levels of violence and violence becomes normalised.